The Connection Between Gender Norms and Domestic Violence

I was once speaking to a full classroom of teens about gender norms when one of them asked, “What’s a gender norm?”  I explained that it’s an assumption about how different genders should act that’s been generally accepted in a society. I started to give an example that I often heard in my youth: if a boy picks on you that means he likes you. I’d only managed to get out, “If a boy picks on you,” when a girl at the back of the room finished it for me and called out, “that means he likes you!” I gave another example: the assumption that boys were better at math and science than girls. Immediately, a student raised her hand and said that she’d had a high school math teacher question whether she really wanted to be in his advanced math class because it was “going to be tough”. That got the conversation rolling as students all around the room began blurting out other examples— 

-boys are expected to be good at sports and girls aren’t 

-girls are supposed to be quiet and submissive 

-girls should dress modestly 

-guys are supposed to be the dominant one in a relationship 

-guys aren’t supposed to show their feelings or cry 

What is the connection between gender norms and domestic violence?  

Imagine a young girl who grows up believing that one of the signs that a boy likes you is that he picks on you. While not explicitly stated, the lesson being taught is that teasing or belittling equals love. If she gets involved in an abusive relationship she may not see the red flags or recognize what she’s experiencing as domestic violence. Boys are sometimes told that girls ‘play hard to get’. The lesson conveyed with that idea is that no doesn’t always mean no. When we hear gender norms repeated and promoted by family and those in our social circles, we begin to internalize them and those ideas become part of the framework for our understanding of others and the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. The combination of gender norms, relationships modeled for us in the home, and messages in the media we consume makes for a dangerous mix that can lead people to act on the inaccuracies of those gender norms. A guy who believes girls like to play hard to get will be less likely to accept no from one on a date.  

One of the best things we can do to proactively reduce intimate partner violence is reject and avoid circulating harmful gender norms. When we recognize the full, complex, nuanced humanity of everyone, regardless of gender, we create a culture where everyone is respected for their whole self and healthy relationships are possible.

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Harmony House

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