Why they don’t just leave

Ending even the healthiest of relationships isn’t easy. You’re uncoupling your lives, belongings, finances, friends, maybe even pets. If there are children or properties involved, dissolving that partnership is even more difficult. Imagine trying to navigate all of those challenges while also being threatened and fearing for your safety.

One of the most common misconceptions about domestic violence is why victims don’t just leave and why they go back to those relationships. There are many varied and complex reasons why someone may choose to stay in or go back to an abusive relationship. Let’s unpack a couple of the most challenging and dangerous barriers to leaving.  

Most people don’t know that leaving is one of the most dangerous times in a domestic violence situation. 93% of homicides of women are committed by a former or current partner. (CDC) Fear of retaliation is one of the most challenging barriers to leaving. Leaving involves risk not only to the victim but also to their children, family members, pets, friends, coworkers, and others. Getting out safely is a process that takes time and planning which is why having a strong safety plan is vital.  

Financial abuse—controlling money, bank accounts, and the ability to have a job or not—is a common method perpetrators use to control their partner resulting in hardship. Being able to leave requires finding a place to live, being able to pay first and last month’s rent, setting up utilities, etc. Consider how you would accomplish that if you had no money, no bank accounts in your name, and a low credit score because of your abuser. It’s easy to judge a situation when you’re not the one living it and dealing with the repercussions.  

If you ever thought why don’t they just leave, remember that the victim is dealing with unimaginable circumstances and knows best what will keep them safe in the moment.  

The next time you hear someone else say it address that misconception: You probably didn’t know this but leaving is actually the most dangerous time. Make the choice to support survivors in that moment.

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Harmony House

The mission of Harmony House is to provide shelter, advocacy and education to survivors of domestic violence and promote the principle that all individuals have the right to life free of abuse.

Since 1976, our emergency shelter and supportive outreach case management programs have offered individuals and their children the opportunity to rest and heal both emotionally and physically in a supportive environment. We believe you. You are not alone and we can help!

If you or someone you know is living in an abusive situation, call 417–864-SAFE (7233) to speak with an advocate.

Click here to learn more about Harmony House