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Finding Your Voice
- Kristen Snell
- Aug 9, 2024
- 4 min read
Living in an abusive relationship strips you of your autonomy – your choice and your voice. Domestic violence can take many forms – physical, emotional, financial, etc. – each of them rooted in power and control. When we are educating the community on domestic violence, we talk about the warning signs or how to recognize when someone might be in an abusive relationship. For example, someone may have been considered the social butterfly of the group, but now they are becoming withdrawn, attending fewer social events, and you may even see them checking their phone frequently while they’re out. The person you once knew too often be dressed to the nines with a full face of makeup and perfectly styled hair is now wearing a more muted wardrobe and little to no makeup. These changes are a result of the abuse they are experiencing. It is not that the survivor wants to make these changes, changes that essentially turn them into a different person, but these changes are a result of the power and control dynamic within their relationship. Their abuser is controlling where they go, who they see, for how long they can be out, what they wear, who they talk to, etc. When this happens, survivors lose their autonomy, they lose the person they once were.
For a multitude of reasons, it is incredibly difficult (and dangerous) to leave an abusive relationship. Once a survivor has safely escaped the relationship they are faced with a laundry list of things to do – obtaining a new ID, social security card, birth certificate, enroll children in school, find a job, find housing, connect with services such as counseling – this is not an exhaustive list and not every survivor needs to accomplish the same things, but this gives you an idea of the challenges a survivor may face. Every survivor is unique in their situation and needs. Imagine having to rebuild your entire life and also figure out how to heal from the trauma you’ve experienced. If you have children, it becomes even more complicated. It is incredibly overwhelming and scary.
Now imagine, that you have safely escaped your relationship, you’re starting to accomplish your goals, and because you engaged with the civil/criminal legal system, you have to face your abuser again. (Spoiler alert: this won’t be a one-time thing.) I have sat with clients going through the court process, and no matter how prepared they were or how supportive the prosecutor or survivor/witness advocate were, facing an abuser is a traumatic experience. A survivor now has to relive the awful things that happened to them; they are thrown right back into the abuse. This is also incredibly overwhelming and scary and it’s not hard to understand why a survivor doesn’t want to press charges or engage with the civil/criminal legal system.
Something else I have witnessed when supporting a client is the power that can come from facing their abuser in court. I sat in a courtroom, where an abuser was appearing pro se (meaning they were representing themselves), hurling questions at my client who courageously took the stand and answered every question that came their way. I know my client was absolutely terrified because it’s one thing to face your abuser in court when they are sitting at the witness table, but it’s taken to another level when the abuser is the one asking you questions. Despite being terrified, my client found strength in sharing their truth, even if the end result was not what they hoped for. As I sat in the courtroom that day, I was in absolute awe of what I was witnessing, because if I had been in my client’s shoes, I don’t know that I could have done the same thing.
When survivors are able to find their voice after being silenced in an abusive relationship, it is powerful not just for them, but for survivors everywhere, and as a society this is something we should always celebrate! For example, Miss Kansas Alexis Smith recently went viral on social media when a video of her calling out her abuser during the question and answer portion of the pageant was released. I wish I could say I was surprised to hear her say that her abuser was in the room at that moment, “trying to disrupt her peace,” but I wasn’t because that is textbook abuser behavior. It’s very common for abusers to attempt to (or successfully) ruin what should be happy life moments, such as birthdays, holiday celebrations, or in Alexis’s case, the Miss Kansas pageant. In that moment, it was incredibly moving to see Alexis use her voice to tell her abuser that his presence wasn’t “going to stop her from being on that Miss Kansas stage.” I get goosebumps all over again thinking about that moment. Just like witnessing my client face their abuser in court, I cannot imagine what it took to be able to do that and I’m not sure I could have done the same.
Just as we should support when survivors speak out, we should be as equally supportive and validating to those who are not able to or choose not to. It may not be safe for a survivor to speak openly and publicly about their abuse and abuser or they may have personal reasons why they choose not to, and that is okay! That doesn’t diminish their experiences or the abuse they endured, it may just not be the right thing for them to do, and that is okay!
Harmony House
The mission of Harmony House is to provide shelter, advocacy and education to survivors of domestic violence and promote the principle that all individuals have the right to life free of abuse.
Since 1976, our emergency shelter and supportive outreach case management programs have offered individuals and their children the opportunity to rest and heal both emotionally and physically in a supportive environment. We believe you. You are not alone and we can help!
If you or someone you know is living in an abusive situation, call 417–864-SAFE (7233) to speak with an advocate.