College Students: Are You or Someone You Know Experiencing Dating Abuse?

For many people, their college years are full of growth and learning, of new freedoms and responsibilities. Many students get out of their hometown, live apart from their parents for the first time, and start to learn more about themselves as they identify their priorities, academic aspirations, and future plans. They may branch out and make friends they never would have in high school, or they may find their perfect niche among certain clubs or Greek life. And yet, as novel as college can be, the same factors that make it an exciting time in a person’s life also make it a time of greater risk and vulnerability.  

It is during these college years that many students enter into their first serious relationships. Students may be learning the best way to express their feelings or how to resolve conflict. This process, especially in its earlier stages, can unfortunately leave students at a higher risk for dating abuse. Dating abuse may be referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic violence/abuse, relationship abuse, and other similar terms. It also takes many forms – it is not just physical – and it may be difficult to identify, especially once you are accustomed to experiencing it. In one study among college students, 70% of those who had experienced dating abuse did not realize they were experiencing it at the time. This inability to identify abuse stems from a number of factors, including the misconception that domestic violence only occurs in the home or within marriage. The truth is that domestic violence can be any relationship characterized by a “systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another”. 

Intimate partner violence is startlingly common across college campuses. 1 in 5 college students report dating violence by a current partner. 1 in 3 female college students report experiencing some form of intimate partner violence since enrollment in their university. If you consider the number of cases that go unreported, the numbers are even higher. In fact, the age range that is most vulnerable to dating abuse and domestic violence falls right in the college years, between 18 and 24 years old, and about half of all survivors of domestic violence experienced their first abusive relationship during those years.  

When a student’s first relationship is one of abuse, they may come to view it as normal and learn to accept the behavior in future relationships. Thus, it is so important to educate college students and faculty on the prevalence of dating abuse so that they are able to recognize potential warning signs in their own or someone else’s relationship and take action. Dating abuse takes many forms – physical, psychological, sexual, verbal, even digital. Just because someone has not been hit does not mean they are not experiencing serious abuse. Below are some warning signs to watch out for. 

Warning Signs 

Warning signs of an abusive relationship can range anywhere from outright violence to seemingly harmless name-calling and can vary depending on the stage of your relationship. It’s important to realize that just because abuse does not start off physical does not mean it won’t slowly escalate to that point. You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner: 

• Becomes extremely jealous when you try to spend time with friends or family 

• Monitors your texts, social media, or daily whereabouts 

• Insults you or calls you names 

• Intimidates or threatens you verbally, physically, or with weapons or other items 

• Tries to control your appearance or what you wear 

• Prevents you from participating in extracurriculars 

• Threatens to hurt themselves if you break up with them 

• Pressures you to do drugs or have sex 

(The Hotline) 

If you are experiencing any of these, it may be a sign that you are in an abusive relationship. As a bystander, some signs of abuse could include emotional withdrawal, negative changes in a student’s physical appearance, or a sudden drop in their grades or attendance. While there are many resources to help you leave an abusive relationship, there are also many barriers to leaving the relationship. Being aware of these potential barriers can make it easier to seek help for yourself or someone else and understand why someone might be hesitant to leave a relationship or report suspected abuse. “Why don’t they just leave?” is indeed a common question when it comes to domestic violence, and one with a startling number of answers. 

Barriers to Leaving/Reporting 

Someone in an abusive relationship may not even realize they are in one, they may try to minimize the abuse, or they may blame themselves for the abuse. They may feel ashamed or embarrassed to seek help. A survivor of abuse may be dependent on their abuser in many ways, such as for financial stability or social connections. A survivor may fear retaliation by the abuser, or, if they have children with the abuser, they may fear losing custody. Many times a survivor hesitates to leave an abusive partner because they love them and believe they can change.  

Each of these barriers exists on college campuses. Additionally, college students may fear that reporting the abuse will cut them off from their friend group or Greek life community, especially if their abuser is a part of those. They may not know where to go or what resources are available to them. If their abuser is a popular or well-respected individual in Greek life or in the sports community, they may fear no one will believe them or that the university will disregard any claims made against them. Fortunately, domestic violence advocates are trained to understand these barriers and will work with survivors to overcome them.  

Students or faculty may also face barriers when it comes to reporting known or suspected abuse. In one study, the top three reasons college student bystanders hesitated to report abuse they knew about were: 1) they thought it would make the situation worse for the victim, 2) they felt it wasn’t their business, 3) they thought it would hurt their relationship with the person experiencing abuse . If you truly fear for the safety of a friend, reporting is a much better decision than standing by and waiting for them to be harmed. Your report could save their life. Many times, however, it may be best to approach your friend and provide them with resources and support so they can make their own decision. You shouldn’t feel as though it is “none of your business.” The idea that domestic violence is a private issue is one of the things that actually perpetuates it and keeps survivors from getting help. More information on how to respond to dating abuse can be found under the “Taking Action” section.  

Although university faculty are mandated reporters, they too may hesitate to report a disclosure for a number of reasons. In a study on how university faculty experienced disclosures of intimate partner violence and sexual assault, a number of factors informed whether or not they followed their institution’s policies. While all appeared to act out of care for a disclosing student, some faculty viewed involving Title IX as a potentially harmful and punitive process, while others viewed it as helpful; some deduced that a student did not want their disclosure to be reported, while others spoke with students who explicitly inquired about how to report an incident.

It may be helpful for universities to inform faculty on some of the following facts about students disclosures:  

• Faculty that “facilitate close relationships with students” and who teach on sensitive topics like crime, victims, assault, gender and or sexuality may be more likely to receive disclosures from students about intimate partner violence or sexual assault.  

• Students may disclose incidents to faculty in the process of asking for accommodations (accommodations because of the abuse they experienced), in the process of seeking resources for support or to report the incident, in class discussions on sensitive topics, because they have a close relationship with a faculty member and view them as trustworthy, or for a number of other reasons.  

• Faculty who play an advisory role may receive more disclosures, as students view them as a source of support on campus. 

Making faculty aware of the various situations and contexts in which a disclosure may take place can help them better prepare to respond appropriately and get students the resources they need.  

Taking Action:  

Concerned About Your Relationship? 

If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, it’s important to know that it is not your fault and that you need to keep yourself safe. This danger assessment timeline tool can help you gauge the level of abuse you are experiencing and judge whether it is escalating. You can also hop on a call with an advocate who can help you determine your situation and what steps to take next. You can call the Love is Respect helpline at 1-866-331-9474, chat with them live, or text LOVEIS to 22522 to talk or ask questions about your situation. You can also search for local resources like shelters or support centers here. Another resource to consider is the MyPlan app, which allows you to disguise the app in case your abuser attempts to open it or view your safety plan. It begins by asking you some questions to provide the best resources for your situation. It is completely anonymous and is available in English and Spanish. The MyPlan app is also a great resource for anyone concerned about someone they know.  

Concerned About Someone You Know? 

If someone confides in you about an abusive relationship, you should respond with belief and support. You should remind them that it is not their fault and that you are there for them. Rather than trying to provide a solution, you should listen supportively and help them find the right resources (mentioned in the paragraph above) so they can make their own decision. Remember the barriers that they may be facing and avoid being judgemental. On average, it takes a woman seven attempts before finally leaving her abuser for good. One survivor shared how her family’s continuous support ultimately helped her end the abusive relationship she was in: “My family had no idea their constant love and support that day helped me through the most difficult and terrifying moment in my life”. So even while someone may not seek help right away, your continued support does matter. 

It’s also possible you may know an abuser. This may make it more difficult to identify abuse. Abusers do not take on a particular appearance. They can be anyone. Because abusers are not abusive outside of their relationship with their partner, it may be difficult to fathom how a great co-worker, student, or someone who’s very kind to others could be abusing their partner. However, if you suspect anything, don’t ignore it – your suspicion may be well-founded. 

The truth is that domestic violence is not a problem for a specific demographic or a certain “type” of individual. It is a social problem that crosses all boundaries regardless of race, gender, background, status, or education level. You may be in a sorority or fraternity at a highly respected university, on the pre-med track alongside other high achieving students, studying social work at a state university, or pursuing a business degree at a community college. No matter your situation, someone in your circle is likely experiencing dating abuse. Remember, over 1 in 5 college students report violence by a current partner. In a class of 100 students, 20 could be experiencing abuse.

No one is immune. 

If you are experiencing abuse, it is not your fault and there are resources to help you safely navigate your situation. If you are not experiencing abuse, know the warning signs, familiarize yourself with the available resources, and educate those around you about the prevalence of dating abuse on college campuses. 

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Harmony House

The mission of Harmony House is to provide shelter, advocacy and education to survivors of domestic violence and promote the principle that all individuals have the right to life free of abuse.

Since 1976, our emergency shelter and supportive outreach case management programs have offered individuals and their children the opportunity to rest and heal both emotionally and physically in a supportive environment. We believe you. You are not alone and we can help!

If you or someone you know is living in an abusive situation, call 417–864-SAFE (7233) to speak with an advocate.

Click here to learn more about Harmony House

References 

1. Knowledge Networks. (2011, June 9). 2011 College Dating Violence and Abuse Poll. Love Is Respect. https://www.loveisrespect.org/pdf/College_Dating_And_Abuse_Final_Study.pdf  

2. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (n.d.). Learn More About Abuse. National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://ncadv.org/learn-more  

3. Fifth & Pacific Companies, Inc. (n.d.). Love Is Not Abuse. Break The Cycle. https://www.breakthecycle.org/pdf/lina-curriculum-college.pdf 

4. National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Domestic Violence Statistics. National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/  

5. Bloom, T.L., Perrin, N., Brown, M.L. et al. (2023, May 31). Concerned friends of intimate partner violence survivors: results from the myPlan randomized controlled trial on college campuses. BMC Public Health 23, 1033 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-023-15918-y 

6. National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Warning Signs of Abuse. National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/ 

7. Women’s Resource Center. (2015, February 11). Teen dating violence, a survivor’s story. Women’s Resource Center. https://www.wrcsd.org/blog/teen-dating-violence-a-survivors-story

Disclaimer: While certain statistics and information found in the following articles may be geared towards women, we know that domestic violence can happen to anyone. Men undoubtedly experience domestic violence and suffer serious harm that is often exacerbated due to common stigmas. Nothing in the following articles is meant to minimize or detract from this fact.